My identity struggle started at a very young age.

From a young age I had already felt I was born in the wrong body. I had a neighbor boy over to play and all I wanted to do was cuddle up in bed together as the girl. I didnt want traditional boy things. I wanted girl doll houses, dolls,dresses more along those lines. So in this moment I asked the boy if we could get in bed and id be the girl cuddled up next to him as playing thats what I desired. That lead into many moments growing up where I did whatever I could to aquire girl items including clothes. I did many things I wasnt proud of lots of theft to aquire clothes. I even committed credit card fraud at age 12 to aquire clothes. As I grew up and could buy clothes I did. However that turned into buying wigs,makeup, fake boobs and anything else I could to make my outside look like my inside felt. I would shave my whole body and do everything possible to pass as a girl. I remember going out as a girl to the mall one day and running into someone I knew and just wanting to pass as who I felt on the inside cause I didnt at that time, really never did. I was closeted and lost/broken. When I moved out it got even more ingrained into my life with more freedom, I put more and more effort into passing. I never understood those who claimed to be transgender but didnt care to pass didnt make sense to me. I wanted everything just couldnt afford it thankfully or else I wouldve at one point done surgery. I struggled with my sexuality or at least thought I did but realistically I only wanted men when I was identifying as a woman. I tried meeting up with men when not and it wasnt an interest. There was this deep longing to be a woman and have a man in my life. I did have sex but I was only using that as a substitue for what I truly desired. I went through so much back and forth cause I wanted to date a man but that wasnt happening so I settled. My identity crisis countinued into my late 20's with me using drugs to be feel okay with my descions I was making. I at one point created an alternate identity on facebook and my name at that tme was brittney when I wasnt my male self. I had a deeply distorted reality and a confusing identity. I lived as male but every time I could dress and go out I would. I went out once with friends and ended up sleeping with a woman that night dressed up and identifying as a woman. i truly had a shattered reality and didnt know what I wanted. the identity crisis was back and forth throughout the years. I dated women but always got dumped or cheated on so I thought there was something wrong with me as a man. I decided to embark on inner child healing at this point which I will talk about in another blog. This lead to me going deeper into this where I started chemically altering my body and putting things internally that were only meant for external use. I essentially created a pussy in my butt hole from this. I wanted men to see me as what I felt inside and felt that if I could do more id feel better about myself. but this just lead to more depression and more drugs. when I was high I had no filter and didnt struggle with confusion. My identity struggle started to end when I overdosed and almost died. My life was spared I woke up and started to get my life back but still had lingering identity issues. although I was delivered I had to find my true identity which was found in Jesus christ only then did all the leftover feelings and identity struggles go away. Now I have a vision to bring others out of this crisis and bondage that cosumes them.